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Dialog Challenge: Scenes from the End #1
By Corvus | July 23, 2008
This is the first (of five) dialog challenges I’ll be posting on the blog. All characters and locations were suggested by the readers of this blog. My challenge is to stitch their suggestions together exclusively via dialog. Originally I intended to post unrelated scenes, but the suggestions inspired me to write them all into a single plot as seen from five different locations.
The goal is to communicate as much as I can about scene, characters, and mood while maintaining show-don’t-tell. I’m not going to tell you in advance which characters and locations I’ve selected. Hopefully the scenes will make it pretty clear without being overt. Feel free to make guesses which characters these are in the comments, particularly if you supply the logic behind your guesses.
Carol Oh! You startled me. I, I didn’t see you there.
Ed Yeah, well I… um…
Carol Hey wait, why are you standing up there anyway? You’re not going to jump are you?
Ed No. No. Of course not. I’m just thinking about things. Life.
Carol Well, you should be careful.
…
Ed What are you doing up here? Obviously you’re not here for the view.
Carol I know. Isn’t this crazy? Have you ever seen anything like it?
Ed No. Never. You know what? Give me your hand. I’m suddenly worried I’ll slip.
Carol Sure thing. Here. Careful. There’s a place you can… right. That’s better. Hi. I’m Carol.
Ed Ed.
Carol What do you want to do, Ed?
Ed I don’t know what you mean. Like right now?
Carol No. I just don’t like asking people what they do. Things are so… I don’t know what. These days. You know?
Ed Yeah, I think I do.
Carol So anyway, I just don’t like asking what people do. I’d rather know what they want to do.
Ed Oh. I don’t know. Just. Just not. I don’t know.
Carol It’s okay. I don’t know either. Not really. Some times I think it’s too late anyway.
Ed Too late. Yeah. I know.
…
Carol Ed? Are you all right?
Ed No. No I’m not. Are you?
Carol Not really, no.
Ed I’m sorry.
Carol Yeah. Me too.
…
Ed Did you hear that?
Carol Hello? Who’s there?
Ben Carol? Oh great. I should have known we’d have the same getaway spot.
Ed You know each other?
Ben Who’s that?
Carol Ben, this is Ed. Ed, Ben.
Ed Heya Ben.
Ben Hi… So how long have you known Carol?
Ed We just met. Just now.
Ben Jeez. I can’t even see what you look like.
Carol It’s crazy.
Ed Like the end times or something.
Ben Well, that’d be perfect timing, wouldn’t it?
Carol Yeah.
Ed Absolutely perfect.
…
Ed You two know each other from the building?
Ben No.
Ed From the school then?
Ben Something like that.
Carol We met at a coffee shop on campus, yeah. Do you live in here too, Ed?
Ed Yeah. You two roommates?
Ben No.
Carol We just met last week.
Ed Ah.. you’re just starting out then.
Ben I don’t think so. We were. But…
Carol Ben…
…
Carol Ben, I’m sorry. I, I didn’t know. This is difficult for me too, you know.
Ben Whatever. I don’t. I don’t even blame you. I mean, I do, but I shouldn’t have been so stupid to think…
Ed Um… I think I’ll go.
Carol No, we can go. Really. You were here first.
Ed No, please. You kids sound like you need neutral ground. I’m getting chilly anyway. I’m going to pour myself a drink and watch the news or something.
Ben Goodbye.
Ed Nice meeting you both. I’m in 412 if you ever want to stop by and say hello.
…
Ben He was hitting on you.
Carol Oh, come on! Jealousy?
Ben No, I was just thinking I should warn him.
…
Ben Oh.. stop. Please. I didn’t mean to. Just… don’t, okay?
…
Ben Carol? Are you still there? Carol?! Carol!
…
Ben Hello? Hello?!
…
Ben Oh my god. What is that?
Tagged:dialog challenge, writing exercise. |
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I suspect the location is “Top of an apartment building on the foggiest day of the year”, and Carol has run away into the fog at the end of the story.
As for Ben saying “No, I was just thinking I should warn him”, perhaps this means that Carol is “A game developer coming to terms with his/her transsexuality”
? That or Ben is “A college student whose one sexual encounter has left him with HIV” and he caught it from Carol (hence warning Ed.)
I’ll be curious to find out if I was close
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:11 pm
You’re correct on location, although you should wait a few “chapters” before making any assumptions about where Carol went.
Only one of your guesses about characters is correct. There are clues in the dialog.
July 25th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Okay, so…
Location: Top of an apartment building on the foggiest day of the year
Ed: A used car salesman on the verge of a mental breakdown
Carol: A young musician who wishes she was born three decades earlier OR Call-center worker who has slowly covered her cubicle in stickynotes displaying fanciful sketches of everyone she successfully sells to
Ben: A college student whose one sexual encounter has left him with HIV
It’s actually really hard to tell. The dialog is, well, lacking in concrete definition. There are very few cues. You know they are high up, but you don’t have much to indicate what they are looking at (or not). The comment from Ben about not being able to see Ed is vague and could just be because it is dark. The action at the beginning (having Carol help Ed to a safer spot) helped to connect them, and give some relationship to the space.
As for motivations, I’d have no idea if I didn’t have the character suggestion post to reference against. They all also seem… well… indecisive and flat. The conversation sounds awkward, which grounds it and makes it realistic (I talk that way), but also makes it a bit boring and meandering between interesting points (cues and action). For me, the more stuttering I see in dialog the more I skim to something concrete: action, declaration, question, or definite response.
July 25th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
That’s a completely fair assessment. I talk a little more about my goals with this challenge at the top of the second post.